Unimpressive Hookups

My Monday night could use some entertainment. Who wants to hear some past hook up stories? Fantastic.

The Bruised Lip

Three year age difference, me being the older one. Also, a former employee of mine. He gets me. We both have family and self-esteem problems and I was at a low so naturally he ran at the chance. My friends are convinced that I took his virginity, I’m still not convinced though. I had recently realized how bad my daddy and mommy issue are. At that moment in my life I was a loaded gun. So, I confided in a friend that I knew had the same problems. Instead of comparing awful demeaning parental stories, he decided to slide right in by asking me to hookup.  The bait was very quickly taken by me and it was awkward but he’s a sweet guy. My hair being pulled is normally something I like, unless the other party doesn’t know how… he did not know how. He also did not know how to lip bite either, my lip was purple. Luckily, the selfie I took the morning after is one of my favorites, it’s splendidly awkward.

The Army Guy

A friend told me to give this a try. She said military men are overly cocky and it shows in a good way. He was okay. At the end of the day all I remember is that I was the one that tired him out. Nothing to write home about. Like man you are in the army, a chubby 5’6 blonde girl should not leave you panting. He was really very blah.

Graduate School

By far the most awkward. The opposite of large and in charge. He talked during. I hate that. “This is fun”, “Is this good for you?’, “You have awesome tits”, “You’re cute” One giant awko taco. Clean shaven, or so it seemed. Tell that to my cheek full of stubble scratches. He fell asleep in my bed and persistently kept trying for round two. Obviously I was opposed because it took him two hours to finish. I was getting bored and significantly less attracted to him. I was at the point of trying to pretend it was anyone else and almost called him by the name of my ex. Oops.

The Guy I Knew From High School

To my friends he was also referred to as Dumbo. He didn’t have the smallest ears. Okay, so this guy was actually super nice. He seemed to really like me, he knew my best friend, and did I mention he was really nice? Unfortunately, I wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t like him all that much. Especially after he told me that my first real boyfriend looked awful now and told me in detail how bad he looked. Other than that we had a decent date and then we went back to my apartment. Bad decision obviously on my part. The evening was going south so naturally I wanted to get something out of it. That was a horrifically bad idea because he didn’t want to leave. After he finally left, I had a breakdown about realizing I missed my most previous ex. I didn’t talk to him for two days and when he texted me I had to get my friend to text him for me just to tell him I wasn’t looking for a relationship.

These are just some examples of awful experiences I come to expect in my life. Especially with guys. Eh, what will you do?

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